Tears – Fiction (Written 8/26/2008)

My tears are ugly. I can’t poeticize them. They don’t slide down my cheeks like dewdrops on the petal of a morning glory, waiting for the sun to wipe them away. They are harsh. They are raw. They are real.
My weeping reveals a weakness I wanted to remain hidden deep inside me. A weakness I never wanted him to see. I want him to see that I am strong. I want him to see that I am independent. I want him to know that he holds no control over me. But he knows the truth. All because of a few stupid tears.
I know I’m giving him some sort of sick pleasure, some perverse satisfaction. He knows he’s reduced me to this. I want to break his face. I want to smash the mouth that condescends, that insults, that speak words that make me feel guilty when I’m innocent. Then I remember that I love him, that without him I have nothing and no one. I’m torn between wanting to kill him and wanting to cling to him and tell him how sorry I am for overreacting. We always work things out in the end.
These tears are tears of self-loathing. They are mourning the loss of my self respect. They tell him he’s in control once again. I can never stick to my resolve. I say the words he knows he’ll hear, and hate myself for my weakness.
Maybe one day these tears of fragility will become tears of power and strength. Perhaps one day my tears will accompany the firm decision to walk away and be my own person once again. He smiles because he knows that day is not today. I shudder for the same reason.


One Response to “Tears – Fiction (Written 8/26/2008)”

  1. Ara Says:

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    It seems too complicated and very huge for me. I’m taking a look ahead to your subsequent submit, I will try to get the hang of it!

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